what we cling to

Today at work I realized that at times I have a strong desire to connect with and cling to the thoughts associated with events I judge as negative. I realized I was doing it and thought about stopping and immediately my dark side told me how much I need, enjoy, and like doing it.

What happened is I had to go and do something that is unpleasant. I was rehearsing in my head why I did not want to do it etc. I then realized that "its just life" and that doing it was not a reflection on me nor was it a bad thing, it was just a thing. Anyway as I tried to elevate my thoughts to a new height something inside said that the negative chatter was a part of me. In fact I started to desire to identify with the negativity.

Its not so much that I wanted to be negative. Its more along the lines that the negativity was kind of like a day dream, or an escape or mind numbing. As long as I was focused on what I did not like then I was not really present and focused on what was true.

Anyway this was a big shock to me because I feel like I am such a positive person. I thought that I was rairly negitive, but the truth is I have negitive thoughts regularly.

I would say these negative thoughts are more along the lines of resistance. I am pushing against what ever it is that I have to do.

Here is an example.

I went through SWAT school once. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Glad I'll never have to do that again. Anyway there was a man in our school that was out of shape and complained all the time. We litterally had to carry him everywhere we went. When we were on long runs carrying sand bags everywhere we went, we had to carry this guy as well. If he was falling behind we either carryed him or ran behind him and pushed him along.

He would fight us by pushing back on us when we pushed him. He would yell and complain that he could not do it and that he needed to stop.

Finally one of the other guys in my group said to him "its harder for you to resist us than to just let us push you." "we have to push you and we have to fight against your resistance."

I live life this way sometimes. The task must be done. Its harder to do it when I resist it than it is when I just do it and understand that its just life. It wont kill me and the more I fight it the worse it will be. Fighting rarely makes things better.

So I now vow to recognize my resistance to life events and to release the desire to resist when I observe it.